Hello Magazine and Advert people. I am writing to you because there are some things that you should know.
1. If you are advertising mascara on T.V and I see a tiny little anouncement saying ‘enhanced in post production’ or ‘styled with lash inserts’ I wil never ever, ever buy your mascara. Ever. Those 2 little statements basically just say ‘our mascara is so rubbish that we won’t show you how it looks in real life’
2. If you are advertising shaving products, I do not want to see gorgeously bare sleek legs. I want to see gorrilla legs. I want to see your shaving product turn those gorilla legs into gorgeous sleek bare hairless legs. If you manage that, I might give you a shot.
3. If your magazine has an advert on every other page I will stop buying it. I’m talking to you ‘Glamour’. There are some things that I love about your magazine – you have informative articles, decent free products every so often and I love the ‘Hey it’s ok’ page but enough with the ad’s! Just how skint is the magazine that you need to sell so much ad space?!
4. Again, this is aimed at Glamour – who was the genius that decided that the ‘Glamour to go’ winners win a digital camera? Sure a digital camera is not to be sniffed at but when it’s the prize for sending in a photo of yourself with glamour magazine in an exotic location, it doesn’t make sense. I bet the majority of your winners took their winning photo on the digital camera that they already own. Give them an Ipad or something.
5. To ALL womens magazines - Just how much do your writers get paid? It must be a heck of a lot because in just about every woman’s magazine on the market, I can find find a bag for ONLY £500 or shoes for ONLY £300. From your fashion savy bargain-hunting writers I want to see deals similar to the ones that even I manage to find. Gorgeous dresses for £15 not £150.
6. Putting ONLY in front of a high price does not make me think that the product is indeed a ‘steal’, it makes me think that you are thick.
7. Some of us are swayed by free products. If I get something free with your magazine and my regular magazine isn’t offering any free products, I will probably be tempted to dump it for your magazine. Just sayin’.
8. You know those pages that are thicker than the others? the ones that feel a bit like card? usually in the middle of the magazine with an advert on them? Yeah? You’re using them wrong. The ‘hard’ pages should only be used for perfume samples. Those are the only pages that I’m used to being hard. The ones where you open the tab at the edge and smell perfume. If it is just a normal advert it can just have a normal page and stop thinking that it is better than all of the other adverts. It’s not, it’s usually for something more expensive and therefore more annoying.
9. Why do any of you use naked/nearly naked women to try and sell other women products? I mean I know that stereotypically guys are more likely to buy a car if a nearly naked woman is sitting on the bonnet, but that same trick doesn’t work with us and I’m sure that if I have any lesbian readers that they will tell you that it doesn’t work with them either.
10. Be careful with celebrity endorsements. If that celebrity has always had great skin and suddenly she can’t live without your new skin care product that came out yesterday, I will know that she doesn’t give a damn about your product and is just concerned with £10,000 she got for saying she ‘uses it all the time.’
So, I hope this is helpful for you. I expect better adverts and magazines in the future.
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